Let's Talk About the F-Word (Feelings)

Feelings. I know…I know… it’s the f-word nobody ever seems to want to talk about. Well—unless we’re sharing a “good” feeling, that is.

Somewhere along the line, we started believing that experiencing big feelings is a bad thing. So we try to shove them into that little locker in the back of our brain. Why? Because they’re uncomfortable. Or because we’ve been taught it’s “too much” to have big emotions.

One thing I always tell my clients: your feelings are valid. You don’t have to pretend you’re not feeling something just because it’s messy or inconvenient.

But what I’ve noticed as a professional counselor is that most people don’t stop at just feeling the feeling—they start judging themselves for it. (Cue the memory of a parent saying, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about!”) When we judge ourselves for having feelings, we often get stuck on them. And when that happens, they tend to build up, spilling out in ways that can affect our emotional or behavioral health.

Let’s get something straight:

There is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” feeling. Feelings are amoral—not good or bad. If you’ve seen Pixar’s Inside Out, you already know this. Each emotion has a role to play. Each one is trying to take care of us and send us a message.

Think about it: What does sadness try to tell us? What about anger? Or joy?

Every emotion is your body and brain trying to communicate—to help you stay safe, stay whole, or stay connected. When we stifle those emotions, we lose valuable insight from within ourselves.

Now, here’s where it gets nuanced: While your feelings are always valid, they aren’t always rooted in truth. That’s why we don’t let emotions take the wheel. We listen to them, process them, and then decide how to move forward with wisdom and intention.

3 Steps to Processing Emotions

1. Recognize the feeling.

Get specific. Don’t settle for the kindergarten version (happy, sad, mad). You might even be feeling multiple things at once. I recommend searching online for a “feelings wheel” to make this easier if you struggle with getting specific!

2. Pay attention to what the emotion is communicating.

Every emotion sends a message. Ask yourself: is that message true or false?

3. Adjust your behavior accordingly.

Once you’ve identified the emotion and its message, you get to choose your response. You’re not a puppet to your emotions. You’re a person with agency in your own life.

The more we practice these steps—acknowledging, identifying, and working through our emotions—the less likely we are to fall into reactive patterns or shut down altogether.

You don’t have to deny what you’re feeling. You just have to listen with curiosity, not judgment.