Where do you fit in your family system?

We all grow up in a family system. What we might not always realize is that each of us assume a role in that system to make it “work.” This can be based on birth order, needs to manage specific relationships in the family or simply occur without much thought or attention. However, the role we assume in the family often leads to issues as we navigate life outside the system.

For example, let’s say that you have taken on a responsibility role in the family. You are often the one the family expects to fix whatever problems arise. Maybe it was as small as helping your siblings with their homework or as large as helping a family member manage an addiction. Either way, the message was that it was up to you to take care of the family. As you fill that role, it becomes ingrained within you. Without realizing it becomes one of your core drives. As you grow older and step out into the world, you do so with this drive firmly entrenched and you take on this hyper responsible role in other areas of life. You find yourself trying to fix your roommates problems, trying to solve your spouse’s work problems, owning your friend’s issues and concerns as if they were you own. Before you know it, you are overwhelmed with by the burdens of everyone around you. 

The important thing is that understanding your family system can be the start of writing a new story. Once I understand how my family has shaped me in maladaptive ways, I can begin to identify where those patterns are showing up in other relationships. For the person with the responsibility role, it is identifying what is truly my thing to solve and what are issues that I need to let go and allow others to figure out for themselves. I can begin to establish firm boundaries to keep from taking over in other’s stories. As I improve in these relationships, I can then take it back into my family system and begin to make changes to the expectations within the system.

Systems work is never easy! We often think that those close to us will be excited for us to be a healthier version of ourselves. While they may eventually understand the changes, at first they will often wonder why you aren’t doing the thing that makes the system work. They may even push you harder to fulfill your role. However, most systems can hold the change and will adapt over time. You have the power to change your system, and we are here to help you understand your system and walk with you as you begin your journey of change.