Disenfranchized Grief: Perinatal Loss
This post discusses miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.
One in 175 pregnancies each year in the US end in stillbirth. And I am one of those 175. You never think it’s going to happen to you, unless it does. This is not meant to scare you, but it’s also important to know this statistic. The death of a child in the womb, with no complications and no explanation, is one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. Because of how confusing and unexplained it can be, the grief you feel after such an event can be best described as disenfranchised grief. This means “when a person loses something or someone in their life that is important to them, but either their loss is not valued or recognized by others, or the way they’re grieving is not considered to be a socially acceptable way to process grief” (Gupta, 2023). When someone loses a baby, the temptation society often plays into is “well, it’s OK, you can just have another baby”. Or “God had a plan and your baby is with Him now”. Or, “I don’t know, sometimes these things just happen”. No one understands, unless they’ve been through it themselves or can put themselves in your shoes.
Being in the throws of disenfranchised grief is very confusing and very isolating. The world is moving on, but no one can see how much you’re suffering. You don’t have a baby in your arms and no one else knew you once were pregnant. You carry the pain of this with you everyday, while society looks at you and cannot see the depth of your loss. When your form of grief is not recognized by society, you tend to question your own feelings and validity of them (Gupta, 2023). Cacciatore (2013) describes it well in saying “death of a baby to stillbirth is the ultimate paradox for providers and patients – the convergence of life and death and the fundamental contradiction it represents”. Your brain cannot process the paradox of it. You’re supposed to be bringing life into the world, and instead, you feel like you give birth to death.
So, how do you cope and heal with this devastating form of loss? It’s so hard. But possible.
Find a community. There are so very many women and men out there who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. You can search support groups, therapy groups, and even using social media you can find others who have experienced and understand the depth of your loss.
Find a therapist. You need someone to walk with you through your loss and can help you integrate your grief into your day-to-day life. As well as process the trauma, because trust me, you will experience symptoms of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Something else that has been incredibly helpful for me, is knowing my therapist has been through it too.
Exercise. Yoga has been a game-changer for me. The first time I completed a class after my son died, I cried. I cried because I felt connected to my body. I had hated my body for failing me up until that point. Then I realized my body and I need to be one. My body did the best it could, it just couldn’t save my baby. But, in connecting with my body once again, I could see it as good and love it for taking care of me after everything we’ve been through together.
Faith. This may not be for everyone. I know when my son first died, I cursed at God. Screamed at him at the top of my lungs and almost wanted to throw in the towel. How could I believe in someone who, at the time I felt, let my baby die? But, in time, He revealed to me through loved ones and His truth, that He was there all along. He grieved with me. He is deeply devastated by the pain in the world, including and especially (I believe) losing a child. He will make it right someday and make the world perfect. But, until that day, I know He’s with me through the times I feel devastating grief and when I experience joy, because I do experience that too. Again, I know this isn’t for everyone, and if you’re not in this place, that is OK. And absolutely understandable.
If you’ve lost a baby, I am so sorry. It is one of the deepest pains a mother and father can experience. We are here to help. I’m here to help. Seriously, if you have been through this and want a therapist to talk to, reach out to me. Or anyone on our team. We are here to help. I’m sending you all the love in the world and know I think of you daily.
Sources:
Cacciatore, J. (2023). Psychological effects of stillbirth. Seminars in Fetal and Neonatal Medicine, 18(2),76-82. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1744165X12001023
Gupta, S. (2023, May 26). Disenfranchised grief: What it means and how to cope with it. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/disenfranchised-grief-definition-causes-impact-and-coping-5221901