Boundaries: Who Will you Disappoint?

The idea of boundaries is one that has been talked about so much in the past few years, many of us throw around the term in our daily conversations. If you need a refresher, a common definition of boundaries is: “guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe, and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.”  

I often discuss the topic of boundaries with clients, yet it is still something that I struggle with navigating in my personal life. I could use this space to share education on the different types of boundaries and the possible impacts of setting boundaries, but instead I’d like to share something that has been meaningful to me. A few years ago I heard a quote by Glennon Doyle that said, “every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.” This quote helped me view and understand boundaries in a new way. Many times in my own life, I am scared to set a boundary because of what the other person may think of me or because it will make the other person upset or disappointed. Thinking about this quote helped me realize that in situations where setting a boundary is needed, no matter what you do, disappointment is likely to occur for someone.

When reflecting on some of my past interactions, I can recall times where I know I could have spoken up, either for myself or for a friend, and I didn’t. Shortly after those interactions, I felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself. These were situations that would have benefited from setting a boundary but instead of doing so, I said nothing. Glennon Doyle’s quote was really impactful for me because it helped me understand and accept the fact that in many of these situations someone is going to be disappointed. So now when I encounter situations that could benefit from some boundary setting, I can acknowledge that someone will likely be disappointed and as I come to strengthen my muscle of being assertive and setting boundaries, hopefully that person will not be me. 

Looking at boundaries in this way made me feel selfish at first. If you were thinking something similar, it may help to think about setting boundaries as a way that you and the other person or group can interact in the most respectful and loving way. And, that you are doing the hard work of setting a boundary because the relationship is important to you. When setting boundaries, the purpose is not to be selfish or mean. The goal is to set an expectation of how you will or will not be treated. The added bonus of setting boundaries is that when others observe you doing so, it often creates a greater level of respect and empowers others around you to also set healthy boundaries for themselves.