That One Safe Person: The Power of Being Approachable

Have you ever entered a conversation seeking comfort and connection, but instead you walked away feeling unheard or even judged? Did the conversation feel as unsatisfying as going to Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday, only to remember it’s closed? Have you ever taken the nerve-racking step of being vulnerable, only to be met with a response that made you feel an even greater level of shame?

Theodore Roosevelt once said, “people don’t care what you know until they know that you care”. Oftentimes, input and advice-giving falls flat when it is not prefaced by empathy and respect. Being an emotionally safe person means creating a space where other people can feel free to share their thoughts and feelings, knowing that even if there is disagreement, they will be met with kindness and curiosity, not judgement and criticism. The presence of emotionally safe people in our lives can mean the difference between processed and unprocessed trauma, rupture or repair in a relationship, and merely surviving or thriving.

Characteristics of an Emotionally Safe Person:

● Listens actively

● Stays present and engaged

● Shows curiosity

● Remains genuine and honest

● Displays kindness and empathy

● Asks permission to provide feedback

● Initiates follow up/check-in conversations

Characteristics of an Emotionally Unsafe Person:

● Frequently interrupts

● Gets easily distracted

● Does not maintain eye contact

● Critiques and judges actions

● Is dishonest

● Gives unsolicited advice

● Uses verbally abusive or aggressive language

● Is overly positive instead of sitting with difficult feelings

When someone shares something vulnerable with you, imagine that they just handed you a precious gem. How would you treat it? Would you toss it loosely in your backpack? Would you place the gem in the junk drawer next to the random papers and the stapler? Or would you place the gem in a safe space, on a nice bookshelf or a mantel.

When someone chooses to share something vulnerable, oftentimes they are subconsciously testing you to see how you handle the information. If you handle it well, they will share more with you in the future. If you toss the gem into the garage next to the lawn mower, well, don’t expect to receive any more gems.

When vulnerability is met with judgement and invalidation, it leads to shame and isolation. When it is met with kindness and curiosity, the other person knows they are emotionally safe and is encouraged to further engage. Feedback and advice are better received when the other person knows the are respected and heard. Let’s be clear here. This does not mean agreeing with everything a person says. It means expressing empathy and kindness. You don’t have to agree with what the other person says in order to make them feel heard.

The next time someone is vulnerable with you, take the time to show empathy, curiosity and kindness. Show up emotionally for the ones you love and be their safe person.