Relationships

A few years back I heard one of my favorite speakers and teachers, Peter Rollins, talking on a podcast about relationships. Rollins is a philosopher who studies psychoanalysis and rarely talks about relationships so I immediately leaned in. He suggested that relationships exist on a spectrum from boredom to pain. Now this may seem pessimistic but hang with me. On one end of the spectrum we have boredom. This is where things seem to be going smoothly, both people are getting along and have established ways of being together that work. Most people believe this is what they want in a relationship, but I’ve found that when people get there they are often disappointed. They will say things like, “Everything is going great but for some reason I feel stuck.” When people find themselves on the boredom side of the spectrum, they will unconsciously create tension by starting arguments, keeping secrets, or cheating which swings them to the pain side.

The pain side of the spectrum is fairly self explanatory. This is where destructive patterns and behaviors lead to suffering and instability. This is what happens when there is too much fighting and not enough communication. Often relationships will swing between these two extremes.One person continually cheats and then returns. Another participates in addictive behaviors like gambling or drinking, only to quit and then start again a short time later. The problem is this: as humans we believe what we want is comfort and stability and ease but often when we get it we actually find it boring. So instead we create pain to make life interesting again.

This is where sublimation comes in. In the middle of the spectrum between boredom and pain is sublimation. Sublimation is the act of creating good tension and difficulty in life. Sublimation looks like a couple taking on challenges that have the potential to bring them together rather than tear them apart. It looks like raising children, building a home, or starting a project together. These activities will inevitably lead to arguments and difficulty, but when entered into with intention, they can strengthen a relationship and keep it from going too far into boredom or pain. Sublimation is about accepting that life will never be perfect or comfortable. If we ever achieved perfection we would likely be very bored indeed.

This idea can be applied not only to couples but individuals as well. Where in your life can you create good tension? Where in life are you creating pain to avoid boredom? What pains might you be avoiding that could actually be used to sublimate and grow? Where can you accept life’s difficulties and see them as opportunities for your own sublimation?

~Bryan Jackson, LLMSW