Parentification

Do you ever find yourself functioning as the family therapist? Feeling like you take care of everyone and no one takes care of you? Are you feeling burnt out? Are you chronically angry at yourself or feeling resentful towards others? Have difficulty making decisions or trusting yourself? Having difficulty experiencing and processing emotions? Have limited memories from childhood? You may be experiencing the fallout of parentification.

Parentification is the role reversal of the parent-child relationship. When a child is required to grow up and take on adult responsibilities such as emotionally caring for parents, child care for other siblings, or responsibility for adult tasks like cooking the family meals, they become parentified—losing the chance to be a child, to develop a sense of self, and to be taken care of.

Although initially it may feel good to a child to be considered “the man of the house,” “so mature,” or able to “always make me laugh;” it’s a great and disproportionate stressor to put on a child. The child then concludes they must disconnect from their own needs and meet their parents’ needs in order to be accepted. This crushes their sense of self, ability to experience and express their own emotions, and impacts their future ability to authentically connect in relationships.

Healing from parentification is possible and starts with self-reflection. Some ways to self-reflect are by going to therapy and getting to know your inner child with the support of your therapist. At home, simply pause and ask yourself, “How do I feel?” Notice that many of your feelings may seem young or immature, similar to the age you were when you first had to disconnect from your own needs to care for your parents in order to be accepted. Although painful, it’s important to acknowledge you didn’t have guidance in your emotional development, so it makes sense your emotional responses are developmentally young.

The second part of healing from parentification is self-parenting. Which means to offer yourself the care you need now that you’re in tune with your needs and feelings. Allow yourself to feel. Gently offer yourself time to rest, set boundaries with others and yourself, follow through with meeting your emotional and physical needs. Say no, ask for help. Take care of yourself the way a loving and attuned parent should have taken care of you.

May you find the space and gentleness to offer yourself the kindness of healing from parentification.

Free resource:

Dr. Nicole Lepera’s Youtube Channel: The Holistic Psychologist Search: The Holistic Psychologist Parentification

Books by Dr. Nicole Lepera:

How to Do the Work

How to Be the Love You Seek