Listening to Respond vs. Listening to Understand

Have you ever been listening to something, possibly music, a book or a podcast, and suddenly you realize you have no idea what you’ve been listening to? Or have you ever met someone and that person introduced themselves and you instantly forgot their name? Or finally, have you ever found yourself listening to someone but all you can think of is what you’re going to say back to them when they stop talking? I’m sure most of us can relate to one or several of these examples. The reality about listening is that it isn’t as simple as just listening. 

There are four main types of listening that we utilize in different scenarios in life. All of which are important, have value and are needed. The challenge is learning to employ the right type of listening for the right scenario, because when we use the wrong type of listening it likely won’t lead to the desired result or outcome. After learning the different types of listening, I’m sure you’ll be able to see the value in each of them. The four main types of listening are the following:

1. Appreciative listening - listening to enjoy.
2. Comprehensive listening - listening to learn something new.
3. Empathic listening - listening to understand.
4. Critical listening - listening to form an opinion.

Each listening style has unique purpose and value within varying contexts, however, I’d like to focus on empathic listening. This type of listening often requires great self control and discipline to utilize. This is because the tendency many people face is to become defensive and think of a response or rebuttal while the other person is talking rather than trying to understand what the person is saying. This is referred to as listening to respond, and this makes interpersonal conflict more difficult to work through. If we are honest with ourselves, I think the majority of the time we listen to respond rather than to understand. This has become the standard way to listen to another person, especially when in a heated argument with a friend or a significant other. 

Utilizing active listening skills will be a great benefit as you begin listening empathically with others. Active listening is when you are exclusively focused on what the other person is saying rather than planning your response, and then paraphrase and say back to that person what you heard them say. This takes incredible intentionality, especially when in a difficult conversation addressing conflict. 

Some key characteristics of people using active listening include asking open ended questions to learn more, setting aside biases, demonstrating patience, exhibiting positive nonverbal communication, and avoiding distractions. 

What are the benefits of active listening? Those who use active listening will be more likely to have improved communication with others, have a greater understanding of others, connect with others on a deeper level, demonstrate more empathy for others, resolved more conflicts, and build more trust. 

Using active listening to seek understanding when listening to another person has the potential to drastically deep and change the dynamics of a relationship. It has the potential to avoid confusion and misunderstanding because it forces people to slow down and actually hear what a person is saying. It also creates a space for a person to be heard and understood in a way they have possibly never been heard before. Listening for understanding stops the tendency that some of us have of trying to fix everything. The reality is that often times people just want to be heard an understood, they don’t need you to fix it for them. 

Listening for understanding has great potential to change and improve relationships. What might happen if you made it a habit to begin listening empathically for understanding rather than responding? What might you learn about those around you or yourself? What would if feel like if others began listening to you for understanding?