Core Emotional and Relational Patterns

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The two biggest factors that influence your present day relationship patterns are: 

  1. How you experienced conflict in your family of origin.
  2. How/if you received comfort in your family of origin.

Let me illustrate with two versions of the same story, with different endings: 

Version 1: 

Imagine that you’re 5 years old, find a mental picture of yourself at that age. What did your hair look like, what was a favorite outfit that you may have been wearing? Once you have that image, imagine yourself at that age coming back from a family vacation in another state. Your family has already driven 3 hours away from the vacation spot toward home and are getting back in the vehicle after a rest stop. Your parents are trying to help you into the family car when you realize that you left your favorite teddy bear back at your vacation spot. Your comfort animal that you’ve had since you were born. You immediately tense up, anxious, scared, upset, and try to scramble out of the car. 

*Check in with a body scan*: Sit with those emotions as if you’re that 5 year old right now, what would that feel like, where would you feel those emotions in your body? Do you feel any tension or bracing anywhere physically? Emotionally do you feel scared, angry, sad, embarrassed, or anxious? What does 5 year old you feel right now? Imagine it as best as you can and then continue the story below. 

You keep trying to get out of the car and look for your stuffed animal or persuade your parents you have to go back, but your parents are preoccupied with your other siblings while simultaneously trying to keep you in your seat to get going and get on the road again. You try to tell your parents your stuffed animal is lost and you want to find it. They respond abruptly, in a frustrated tone, “it’s too late, we’ll buy you a new one, stop crying and get in the car we need to go.”

*Check-in with a body scan* Scan your body again physically, do you feel tense or relaxed? Did you mentally check out, are you detached from yourself, or feel angry? Or do you feel calm, relaxed, and fully present?

Version 2: 

Imagine again that you’re that 5 year old, coming back from a family vacation in another state and are getting back into the car and realize you lost your favorite stuffed animal. Let the emotions and physical reactions come again. Any tension, anxiousness, fear, etc., and imagine yourself trying to scramble out of the car. 

Your parents notice you immediately tense up and try to get out of the vehicle. They see that you’re upset and pause, calming themselves down from rushing home, and attune to you. One parent says “hey kiddo, you seem upset” they pause, get down on their knees to look you in the eye and genuinely listen. You tell them in a flurry of words that you lost your stuffed animal and can’t find it. Your parent genuinely seeks to understand the reasons you’re upset. They don’t shame you, they’re not rushing to get back on the road, they don’t dismiss or belittle you or your emotion, they care that you’re upset. Your parent then gives you names for your emotions. “You seem pretty upset and scared that you won’t find your stuffed animal.” 

When you hear your emotions named, it releases more emotions. You begin to cry, fully able to feel the fear and loss of your stuffed animal. Your parent doesn’t dismiss or shove your feelings away, but instead validates you “it makes sense why you’re scared and sad, you’ve had that stuffed animal for a long time haven’t you?” You begin to nod through your tears. Your parent explores what you need in that moment and asks if you need a hug. You nod your head yes and lean into your parents embrace. 

*Check-in with a body scan*: Do you feel tense, or more relaxed? Do you feel ashamed or embarrassed or forcefully shut down, or do you feel seen, heard, and validated?

After a minute of letting out emotion and feeling comforted by your parent, your body and heart calm down. Your parent sees that you’re calm and then enter into problem solving with you. They’re genuinely empathetic and tell you that they’re disappointed and sad for you that they can’t drive back to go look since you’re too far away, but they ask what you would like to do instead. You pause, and ask your parent if you can call and ask them to look for your stuffed animal and if they could mail it. Your parent responds “that’s a great idea, let’s do that, and then we can talk some more if they can’t find it, ok kiddo?” You nod, and hop back up into your seat for the rest of the drive home.

*Check-in with a body scan*: Do a body scan again, how do you feel after finishing that story. Do you feel tense, do you feel detached, or do you feel calm or safe? Or a mix? How do you feel compared to the first version? If your heart had a voice, how would it describe how it’s feeling right now. your body and your heart don’t lie. If it feels calm and relaxed, it’s telling you it needs more of that response. If it was closed off, defensive, or evasive like it may have been in the first story, it’s telling you it doesn’t like being treated that way, and that makes sense. Or perhaps your heart felt uncomfortable in the second story because it’s not used to having its emotions validated and loved, so you may feel conflicted and feel both tense and somewhat calm at the same time. In that case, it just needs help practicing receiving validation, compassion, and love. 

How have you been trained to handle emotions? 

Growing up, were your emotions treated more like the first version of the story, or the second? There’s a wide spectrum, but overall were your emotions seen, heard, and validated, or were they dismissed, mocked, ignored, or shamed? 

How your emotions were handled in all of the small or big moments growing up trained you how you handle your emotions today. 

Are you more likely to force yourself out of emotions, try to talk yourself out of them, intellectualize to find solutions, emotionally tune out, shame yourself for the way you feel, force yourself into problem solving while experiencing heightened emotions etc.? Or do you recognize your emotion, validate why it makes sense you feel that way, practice empathy and compassion with yourself, and wait until your heart is calm and relaxed before problem solving or moving on etc.? 

Emotional patterns impact relational patterns. They teach how to relate to others, or how you attach to others.

The beauty of learning to identify and work through your emotional relational style is that there is hope for change. See below for links regarding a free online assessment for attachment styles. Also see “Core Patterns” link below for a chart to identify your core patterns in relationships now. The goal is what is called secure attachment (see link below).

The second version of the story above is an example of what is called the Comfort Wheel (see link below, created by Milan and Kay Yerkovich). It’s a tool used to retrain yourself how to handle emotions and relationships with yourself and with others. No matter where you find yourself, there is hope for a more connected, emotionally whole relationship with yourself and with others by taking one step at a time. Blessings on the journey. 

How We Love - Free Resources from Milan and Kay Yerkovich 

Kimberly Bytwerk, MA, LLC, ESMHL

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