I have been learning a lot about shame recently. I think if asked, we can all describe it. It’s when we believe not only that we did something wrong, but we believe we ARE wrong. These days, we can feel it anywhere. We post something on Instagram and someone critiques or condemns us for posting it.  We say something in a group of friends and people laugh or make fun of us for saying it. We stand up to our family on something we feel is wrong or have differing beliefs about, and they shoot us down. Even if we have a health crisis or feel like our body fails us, that can also be shame. Like I said, we can feel it anywhere, anytime, and from anyone.

There are two things that I feel combat shame or at least help us identify it and help us learn to distance ourselves from it, the first being self-compassion. This is quite different the self-esteem. Self-esteem “refers to our sense of self-worth, perceived value, or how much we like ourselves,” whereas self-compassion is being “kind and understanding to yourself when confronted with personal failings” (Neff, 2015). We’ve heard the saying treat others as you would like to be treated. What if that includes how we offer compassion to our loved ones more freely than we offer it to ourselves? We don’t expect others to be perfect, so why do we expect this of ourselves? If you haven’t heard of Dr. Kristin Neff, you need to look her up. She has written many fantastic books on self-compassion. It’s something that we have not been taught to feel and experience for ourselves. 

Secondly, we have value. A friend of mine told me recently about something they heard that was profound: “I am a human, therefore I have value.” Now, I wish I could take credit for that, but I can’t. You know who you are.  But, wow. How amazing is that? Because we are human beings, we have value; it goes hand-in-hand. It’s devastating how we’ve forgotten this-- not only about ourselves, but about others. We have intrinsic value that makes us worthy because of our humanity. It’s gotten easier to deny that when we hide behind social media and our IP addresses. But, each and every one of us have value. And when we can believe this about ourselves, you might notice that shame decreases. 

To be honest, I’m the pot calling the kettle black. You might think as a therapist, I’ve got this all figured out. Spoiler alert: I don’t. I’m also on this journey because I’ve learned to believe the lies that I’m not good enough and I do not matter. It’s difficult as hell to change. But, I think the first step is acknowledging that we are human beings: valuable and imperfect. So, why don’t you go on this journey with me? Instead of tearing yourself down based on your mistakes or perception of what others think of you, what if you embrace that you are a human being who deserves to be treated with value and love, especially from yourself. 

Lauren Puckett | MA, LPC