The Second Layer of Emotions
Have you ever had these thoughts?
“I shouldn’t feel anxious about this,” or, even, “I’m anxious about getting anxious.”
“What’s wrong with me that I feel angry all the time?”
“This depression is awful and I just want it to go away.”
“I’m so lonely, and I’ll always be lonely.”
The truth is, our emotional lives are shaped not only by what we feel, but by how we feel about what we feel. This second layer—our perception and judgement of our emotions—often ends up causing more struggle than the original feeling itself, and may serve to perpetuate a cycle, keeping you stuck. A wave of sadness may be manageable on its own, for instance, but when we judge that sadness as weakness, immaturity, or failure, the experience intensifies. Rather than allowing the feeling to move through us—as the saying goes, “the only way through it is through it”—we tighten around it, creating a cycle of resistance and self-criticism. Furthermore, in our striving to reduce the intensity of those feelings, we often fall into unhealthy coping patterns.
Many people grow up absorbing the message that certain emotions are “bad” or “too much,” so when those emotions surface, the internal narrative kicks in: “I shouldn’t be feeling this. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just get over it?” Ironically, this commentary fuels the discomfort. The original emotion might have been a passing cloud, but our reaction to that emotion turns it into a storm. According to research, an initial emotional reaction (including the chemicals released in the body that fuel the physiological reactions) only last about 90 seconds…unless fueled by our continued engagement with them through our thought patterns.
When we begin to notice this inner layer—our perception, our judgments, our reflexive tightening—we open a doorway to emotional freedom. Instead of wrestling with emotions, we can learn to relate to them differently. This doesn’t mean pushing feelings away or pretending they don’t hurt. It means observing them with curiosity instead of condemnation.