Starting Difficult Conversations

In the Midwest, we can sometimes play the game of being “Midwest nice” and hiding what we really feel or want in a situation to keep the peace.

Where I grew up, people often joked if you don’t like something, just say “oh, that’s different” and the other person will get the idea. Or at a social gathering, when someone slaps their knees while getting up and says, “well, I suppose…” what they really mean is “we’re getting bored and want to go home, so see you later.” 

Conflict can be challenging, but it also can be really rewarding in relationships. After all, the way we develop deeper intimacy and trust is through resolving conflicts with the people who we are closest to. If we avoid conflict and sharing our true feelings, we risk further disconnection and a breakdown of the relationship over time. 

I’ve had several positive situations where conflict has grown my relationships. When I lived with roommates, I had a really hard time picking up on social cues as someone with undiagnosed ADHD at the time. I often would get home, run over to my amazing roommate, and want to unload the gossip from day. Typically, my roommate would be watching Gilmore Girls, trying to relax after a long day at her job. Not reading the room, I’d ask her thoughts on what so and so said to me over lunch or what she thought of the comments the boy I was dating said at dinner. Sometimes she would emphatically respond and engage with me and other times she seemed to be waiting until I’d leave to get back to her show. In those moments, I wasn’t really caring for her needs – I just wanted to feel noticed and understood and I bypassed what she had going on. I was hurting our relationship without realizing it. It wasn’t until after many instances of this that she finally confronted me and let me know her boundaries. When she let me in, I felt some rejection and wondered if we’d stay friends. However, I wanted to respect her boundary. I was also thankful that she still wanted to still have deep conversations with me - They just needed to be at the right time, for both of us, for them to go well. 

I think we often can self-sabotage hard conversations without realizing it in our relationships by avoiding getting consent first. When it comes to intense conversations that require the other person to attune to our emotions and listen to what we’re saying, it helps to be intentional about asking for permission to begin the conversation. By doing so, we respect their capacity and can verify they’re in the right state of mind to listen and support us in the way we’re wanting to feel supported. 

In her book, The Attachment Theory Workbook, Annie Chen, LMFT gives some great examples of getting consent for conversations. These include:

1. Stating an intention and checking to see if the other person is okay with it: 

For example, “I want to give some constructive criticism, can I do that with you?” or “I have some thoughts about your situation. Would you like my advice or for me to get involved?”

2. Request what you want on a timeline that’s comfortable for the other person:

“Can you let me know when you’re ready to talk about our recent disagreement?” or “Can we spend 20 minutes talking about the dishes right now?”

3. Say a little bit and see how the other person responds:

“So that’s the first part of what I wanted to tell you. How are you doing so far?”

4. Be willing and ready to stop if the other person begins to express discomfort or seems to want to stop:

 For example, “I can see this is affecting you more than either of us expected. Should we stop or take a break?” 

When we choose to engage in healthy conflict with loved ones, it has the potential to grow both people. To confront someone about a recent hurt, miscommunication, or boundary is to believe the best in the other person and to believe the health of the relationship is worth the discomfort of the moment. It can be scary, but it also can be super powerful and can lead to healing for both people. 

If you’re struggling with engaging in conflict in healthy ways, whether it’s with friends, family or a partner, you are not alone. Our team would love to come alongside you and help with learning how to have deep, intimate relationships that allow you to feel truly known and loved for who you are.