Compassion Before Correction

For many of us who begin a counseling journey, the goal is simple: get rid of the parts of me that I don't like. Sounds pretty reasonable, right?

      "If I could just stop being anxious."

      "I wish I wasn't so angry."

      "I hate how insecure I am."

Understandably, we carry experiences that have brought tremendous pain and discomfort in our lives, so we assume that healing means eliminating parts from within ourselves that feel messy, broken, or unacceptable.

Many of us carry a belief that if we're hard enough on ourselves, we'll finally change. We criticize ourselves for our anxiety, shame ourselves for our addictions, and despise ourselves for the parts we’d rather not have.

Somewhere along the way, we learned that self-hatred was the path to growth.

Yet, this couldn’t be any further from reality.

When we respond to these parts of us with hatred, they don't disappear. Quite the opposite, they become more entrenched in the roles they valiantly play. In the same way that a frightened child cannot calm down when they're yelled at, our internal system cannot heal when it's met with the same contempt.

Healing happens when we trade the condemnation for curiosity. When we ask, "What were you protecting me from when you first began this role?” instead of, "What's wrong with me?" 

This doesn't mean approving of every behavior or avoiding accountability.

Compassion before correction.

The goal isn't to eliminate the parts of us that struggle. The goal is to help the parts of us stuck playing protective roles within to no longer have to carry the burdens they’ve carried all this time.

In the face of being known, understood, and loved – healing happens. Just as that frightened child finds calm in the experience of safety, belonging, and love, this is how parts of us heal and are liberated from lifelong struggle.

If you’re longing to heal: Would you dare to be compassionate with the parts of you that you’ve learned to hate?