In recent years, there has been an increase in discussions about empathy. Social topics including cultural divisiveness, racism, lack of inclusivity, problems in personal relationships, have blamed a lack of empathy as the source of the problem. Empathy is important to demonstrate compassion and to feel more connected. Empathy is being able to put yourself in another person’s shoes and enter into their reality, allowing one to understand what another person might be thinking, feeling, or experiencing in the moment. It makes sense folks associate a lack of empathy with political and social issues being present in today’s world.

Although empathy has positive impacts in most social situations, a “more empathy is better” mindset won’t necessarily help solve all the problems or even experience the connection we desire. Have you ever found yourself feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or lost in a relationship despite utilizing empathy as a method to understand? If you answered yes to any of these questions, empathy may in fact be the issue. Empathy can be detrimental when it becomes our default to relating to others and requires a more balanced approach. This starts with developing an awareness of when empathy is appropriate, understanding what your own needs are in the moment, and differentiating between empathy and compassion.

When empathy is appropriate

When working with married couples or individuals looking to improve their relationships, I notice people get stuck when they only use empathy as a way to understand. This happens when folks begin taking ownership of another’s negative emotions or focus on what they may be thinking rather than listening to what they need in the moment. Empathy focuses on suffering with those who suffer but sometimes we turn others’ suffering into our own. This is when we start making assumptions and end up hurting others despite our intentions. Given our uniqueness and personal life experiences, we can’t fully comprehend what someone else might be experiencing. We all desire closeness and struggle to attain it sometimes, and that's okay. This just means we may need to examine if and when empathy is necessary or if someone just needs us to listen. Being present goes a long way. People won’t always remember the things you say or the wisdom you give them, but they will always remember how to make them feel. Sometimes this happens by simply listening and being present with someone.  

Understanding your own needs

Having empathy sometimes leaves us feeling overwhelmed at the end of an interaction. Highly empathetic people are excellent at noticing the emotions of others, but sometimes have difficulty interpreting them. This is why empathy requires emotional intelligence which highlights being self-aware. Self-awareness helps us become mindful of our needs in the moment and it’s important, not selfish, that we recognize our own needs. We can do this by asking, "What am I feeling right now? Do I need to take on what the other person is feeling?" Once you know what you need, you can make a conscious decision about how much to give to another and how much to request for yourself. This can be done by becoming more aware of when we get caught up in another’s feelings and forget about our own. In other words, to use empathy effectively, we need to first have empathy for ourselves and our own needs. 

Differentiating between empathy and compassion

Differentiating between empathy and compassion can be helpful by allowing others to feel and experience their difficult emotions. This ensures we offer space for healing and an opportunity to ask what they need. You’ll know you’re practicing compassion over empathy when you give the person back their shoes and inquire on how you can help. Remember, this happens when we are simply being present and not taking ownership over another’s negative emotions and/or assuming their reality. 

It’s important we remember this much regarding empathy; there’s a difference between experiencing something for someone and experiencing something with someone. 

Gabe Hernandez, MA, LLMSW